Spinach Rice and My Life

[J352SAURUS]

Hello everyone. I'm "nutritionally challenged" and I just had a question about spinach.

A bit of background... I have had a selective eating disorder since the age of two. I cannot eat 99% of all fruits and vegetables because the textures, tastes, and smells totally freak me out and gross me out. I get extremely anxious and if I try to eat it, I will panic and throw up if I don't spit it out. It's really, really embarrassing. Eating out at restaurants is almost impossible unless I can see the menu beforehand and find a "safe" dish. People pressure me to eat things I physically cannot because they don't understand, which I totally get, because who doesn't eat that stuff, right? This pressure adds to my fear. They think I'm just being picky or ungrateful. Then they look at my weight (81.9kg at 180cm) and it becomes clear, "oh, no wonder she's big, she doesn't eat right!" It's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't, and trust me I have tried so very hard. So this weight loss journey (28kg so far) with my Fitbit is as much about getting into shape as it is trying to change a lifelong eating problem. This lifelong eating problem has deeply scarred every single aspect of my life.

So, yeah, back to the spinach. I cooked some rice the other day as a part of dinner for my boyfriend and I, and I added an entire bag of baby spinach. This is a big deal for me, because I ate all my rice and spinach, and I loved it. I absolutely loved it. No idea why. It was a huge deal for me. My question is, by cooking spinach this way, does it take away from it nutritionally? Is having spinach and rice good for me? Have I actually found a way to eat spinach?

Does anyone have any suggestions for how I could move forward from here? Other things I can try?

Thanks for reading this, and I hope you have a wonderful day.

[Esya]

Yes, you found a way to eat spinach! Awesome! And more awesome in my opinion is trying something new while it freaks you out. As well as speaking out about it, that is another step taken. I am no expert on eating disorders, but I do see similarities with my anxiety (despite for me it is not related to food). My advice would be to try to push your limits just a little bit whenever you feel strong enough and comfortable to do so. You don't have to eat a full plate of a new food, you could go for a small taste. If you try a taste on a regular basis, it will become less scary and you might find some more foods you can eat.

Ofcourse you could see a psychologist about it, but I never did for my anxiety and it will only help if and when you are ready to do so. You could journal about the foods you try and write down your fears and what you could think instead of those fears. For my anxiety yoga and mindfulness/meditation help a lot. All those tools basically help with recognising when your brain starts to "act up" and create a new way of thinking that helps you.

[Dave001]

Hello @J352SAURUS!

The first thing that stood out to me is your description of yourself as "big".

At 81.9kg and 180cm, your BMI is just a little over 25. "Healthy" BMI range is 18 - 24.9. 25 is not "big".

Although BMI is not a perfect tool, it has its uses. I'd be delighted with a result of 25. The last time I was down at that level I was a 16 year old lad!

Now for the spinach. Bravo! You found a new food. That's worthy of celebration. I'm scared (terrified!) of heights. I know it's an irrational fear and that my reactions are disproportionate to the height. But that's just the thing. We know our fears are irrational,but they are very real nonetheless. You trying spinach would be the equivalent of me climbing a church steeple! Be proud of your achievement. 

When you're ready to, try a similar food. Perhaps some kale. Or even a little lettuce. 

As @Esya said, slowly expand your comfort zone. It won't be easy. But it'll be worth it. 

Imagine how wonderful it would be to be able to dine out with your boyfriend. It's a long term aim, but little steps start every journey. 

Well done!

[J352SAURUS]

Wow, that is so good to read! Thank you so much! That means a lot. It wasn't easy, but I'm glad I did it. Now I can eat spinach. Level up? Haha. Speaking out about it has always been tough. This is only the second time I've told someone/people that aren't my family. More often than not, people would just say "just try it, you won't love it 'till you try it!" and I'm like, "it's not that simple!"

Thank you very much for your advice. I really appreciate it. Sometimes when I try to force myself to eat something, and I manage to keep it in my mouth and swallow it, I will feel a bit ill afterwards, and then look back at my plate and think, "there's still more to go..." and it just takes the joy out of eating, and only strains my relationship with food more. So creativity with food is a must. I have come a long way, though. I never used to be able to eat two-minute noodles because there were green specks in them. That's how bad it was. But yes, as you said, small tastes are the way to go. I will endeavor to try little things as much as I can.

Yes, I would love to see a psychologist, and maybe even a nutritionist, but sadly I can't afford it. I'm trying to save up for a visit, but at $190 for a 50 minute session, it's not exactly cheap. That's exactly right, though. If you're not ready, it's not going to do anything. Hey that's a good idea about the journal. I've never thought to do that before. I'll try and do that. Thank you.

I have tried yoga at my gym a fair few times, but I can't switch off because my brain feels like I'll be "missing" something if I think about nothing for a moment, and so yoga doesn't do as much for me as it should. I can't relax because my brain thinks I should always be thinking or worrying about something. It's such a shame because yoga and meditation are awesome. It's more of a shame because I am aware of my inability to switch off but have had no luck in changing it, no matter how hard I've tried.

Rewiring my brain will take a lot of time, but it'll be worth it. I'll try and reroute my thoughts when my brain acts up. Thank you very, very much for your insight, Esya. I really truly appreciate it.

[J352SAURUS]

Hello Dave!

That's one of the problems I've had with not being able to eat fruits and vegetables. It's damaged so many aspects of my life, particularly my self esteem and body image. I've always felt/been "big" because of my dietary problems. Even back in primary school, I would hate sports because whenever I ran, some kid would say something rude like "oh no, she's running, she's going to cause an earthquake" or something stupid like that. I would take a jumper to primary school with me no matter the weather and put it over my legs whenever I sat down because I thought my legs were huge. This eating problem has just messed me up. My parents thought I would grow out of it so they didn't get me any help, which I totally understand. Whenever they tried to get me to eat something, I would cry so hard because it was so distressing but they thought I was just being a picky kid. Hours after dinner had ended, I would still be at the dinner table, crying, because I wasn't allowed to leave until all my vegetables were finished. I have vivid memories of being in pre-school at morning tea, sitting outside in circles around a plate of fruit with the other kids, and me just chewing on my shirt collar because I couldn't eat any of that stuff, and I'd go hungry. It sounds so ridiculous to have such a "dramatic" reaction to fruits and vegetables, but it's very real and it's very horrible. My parents eventually stopped trying to get me to eat my vegetables, and so I got a bit extra of whatever was for dinner so I didn't go hungry. That added to the weight problem. The lack of variety and healthy foods added to the weight problem. The weight problem and the eating problem led to depression, and exasperated the anxiety. That then further hurt my perception of myself. So that led to a bit of comfort eating. Which added to the weight problem. And it just kept going around in circles like that. A vicious cycle. 

I was at my heaviest in my last year of high school, at 110 kilos. That was a hair away from being obese. Coupled with the fact that I've always felt like a "freak" for not being able to eat properly, my perception of myself has been warped. It's just ingrained that I am "big", and it's a horrible thing to have in my head every day, and trust me I have tried to change it. I am proud that I've gotten down to that BMI, though. And thank you for your encouragement and input. I am proud that I have broken the cycle, and am actively working on trying to better myself. It's support from people like you and Esya that really, really mean the world and make a huge difference to someone like me.

Aw, thank you so much. That truly means a lot! That's just it, isn't it? We can actively recognize that our fears are irrational but they still continue to hinder us. It's us against ourselves. Thank you very much. I will. Everything you've ever wanted is right outside your comfort zone, right? Kale sounds interesting. It was all the rage at some point. Maybe adding some to a sandwich or something would be a good place to start. 

Wow, that would be wonderful. I could look at the menu when I arrive and order whatever I want. That's a really good end point. Thank you for suggesting that.

Thank you so much for all your kind words and encouragement. Have an awesome day!

[OldPup]

Things that get formed in our mind at a young age can be really hard to unwire in my experience. But the good news is that it does not mean we have to be that way for the rest of our life. Personally speaking I used to have an all-or-nothing feeling on some of my hardwired perceptions. As I have grown older and confronted some things related to it, I have slowly come to terms that giving my best will have to be enough. Do I want more? Yes. Will I beat myself up for not attaining that? Not so much...still a little, but I recognize it for what it is.
Kids say mean things, but those kids aren't around anymore. Work toward a happy life, and eating healthier is a prat of that. Push yourself a little, and if it fails, don't give up. We can re-wire ourselves, but it takes time and patience, and giving ourselves a break now and then. Progress not perfection as they say. Best wishes on your journey.

[Esya]

Yes, rewiring your brain will take a lot of time and patience. And it will be like 3 steps forward and 1 step back at times. It can be very frustrating at times because of that. Try to be kind towards yourself.

Regarding the meditation, I feel there is a huge misunderstanding about meditation in general (not just you). Meditation is not "having no thoughts" or emptying your brain. It is giving your brain something to focus on and focus on that (or multiple topics) for the time you want to meditate to the best of your ability; that could be your breathe or a scenery. Your mind will wander off, but with practice it will do so less and less. Some days it will be easier and some days it will be harder. I actually like to meditate on thoughts, to observe them to understand what is going on in my mind. Meditation is about the process and not win/success versus fail if you are able to quiet your mind yes or no.

[MagsOnTheBeach]

What other foods do you like?  For example if you like spaghetti sauce, you can blend some veggies up and add them in so you can't see or taste them.  You might see a physical therapist who works with eating disorders.  We have them for children at our school.  They do a lot of what you find yourself doing - one thing they do is let the kids play with a new food.  Then they work up to smelling it, later they hold it in their mouth and spit it out.  Eventually they work to chewing and spitting.  Eventually they work up to swallowing.  It is a very slow process, but kids do eventually accept the new food. This might be something your doctor can prescribe so it may be covered by insurance.  It can't hurt to look into it.  Good luck!

[Etirzen]

This is me with bananas.  I love banana bread, I love the taste of bananas, but the texture is of "off" mashed potatoes and that's it for me.  No way can I get that stuff down my throat.

Anyway, I don't know how you feel about zucchini, but you might want to look into zucchini fritters (seriouseats.com has a great recipe).  I brought leftovers to work and was asked various iterations of, "So, these are hash browns with a little zucchini in them, right?"  No!  It's all zucchini, pretending to be potatoes.  The real trick is to squeeze the shredded zucchini quite dry - I use a potato ricer.

Since the spinach and rice was a new way of preparing spinach for you, I'd suggest looking at how  you can adapt recipes that you do like to incorporate veggies, particularly shredded or finely-chopped ones.

Good luck on your journey of food discovery - keep us posted on your successes (and your "learning opportunities", those can be just as informative and often a lot funnier).

[klan7044]

I agree with trying to keep a journal. Especially as you try new things. One thing I recommend is once you know a few items you like try and find recipes using those items as a main ingredient(s). I believe there are some websites that allow you to say "what is in your fridge/pantry" and recipes using those ingredients. I would also recommend if there is something you would like to try, pair it with safe foods to or mix it in with safe foods to slowly get yourself familiar with the color, texture, smell, taste. 

Such as for me I used to hate Brocolli, still do sometimes, but there is this rice packet that is cheddar brocolli (small bits of brocolli to that kind of worked me into the taste of the item but it was not the main component or flavor). It is kind of how you found out you could do spinach. 

If you do pizza's you could also add spinach as a pizza topping! 🙂