Girlfriend Really Upset! - Confusion About Calories and BMR

[Gare_Bear]

Hi All,

I realise this is a pretty common topic, but I've been reading a lot around it and gotten myself and my girlfriend confused, so I'd quite like just a simple answer to confirm what we're doing is right... I'd be really appreciative if someone could help us please.

We've both been using Fitbit to lose weight for about 4-6 weeks now, we're both on the -1000 cal defecit. We have been recording all our food and we've been keeping track of the calories in vs out and staying under/on budget etc. All the right stuff.

I'm going great, making some real progress. My girlfriend unfortunately isn't. She hasn't budged a pound all this time. And this has got her really upset.

On average she burns about 2100-2400 calories, and eats about 1300 calories.
So, my thought was that this was because for a lady of her height, weight and age, her BMR is around 1600 and as such, she's not putting enough in and her body is in 'survival mode' and is storing fat rather than burning it.

So what I suggested was that instead, we set her a calories-in target of 1800 (bit of wiggle room) and then make sure that she burns at least 2800 calories throughout the day. Is this technique going to work do you think? Failing this, what would you suggest?

Appreciate any and all comments. Thanks in advance.

TL;DR - My girlfriend is making any progress when she should be. If her BMR is around 1600, does it make sense for her to eat 1800 calories and then burn 2800? To help her sustainably lose weight and stop her body going into 'survival mode' and retaining fat?

[Odyssey13 · Accepted solution]

Hello @Gare_Bear  and welcome to the forums.  A few years ago, one of the members wrote a series of informational posts on this subject and you might want to check them over. Click to go there. Best wishes to you both in this journey.

[Gare_Bear]

Thanks for this Odyssey! Really appreciate it.
I've read them now and they are helpful! Confirmed a lot of things we already knew. Unfortunately, it's all these things that don't seem to work for my better half.

This line here from section 3 though:

"I have set my Calorie Burn Goal at 2612. My BMR is about 1700, and I've found that if I hit my step goal and Active Minutes, I average around 900 Activity Calories burned each day. My Calorie Burn Goal is simply the sum of those two numbers. That leaves me about 2100 calories to eat each day if I want to maintain my 500 calorie deficit. Another way to think about it is that I plan to exercise off my 500-calorie deficit each day, plus another 400 calories that I can eat."
This confirms that what we're planning on trying will work right?

[emili]

@Gare_Bear at the risk of offending you and/or your girlfriend.. typically when a person is going through weight loss and despite their best intentions, if they are not losing weight it is because they are eating more than they are accounting for. So your girlfriend is actually eating to maintenance (not gaining, not losing) than at deficit. There is no way her body is storing calories for eating less than she should... if she was truly at a deficit especially in the beginning stages, the scale would be moving. Look up her BMR and based on that number figure out a good deficit- a manageable deficit for her. factor in activity and add whatever calories would still leave her at the same deficit from the activity. Do not measure your food- weigh it. my one tsp and hers might be vastly different- but a gram, and ounce is exact. weigh everything and log everything and keep an accurate log. I can't tell you how many times I open the fridge and pop a grape. Well multiply that by 7 and now I am at 45 calories I didn't factor into my day. multiply it by 7 days and my deficit is significantly lower for the week than I thought- from grapes. Imagine that with a piece of chicken that was tiny, a little slice of tomato or a sliver of cheese- over a weeks time- at maintenance, no deficit. Apologies in advance if this sounds harsh or stern, but I would encourage her to go back to basics and start over... 

[Gare_Bear]

Hi Emili,

No apology necessary! Don't think you're being harsh at all.

Our confusion was stemming from the fact that we HAVE been weighing everything, she was meeting her defecit goals with exercise and STILL wasn't losing weight. We were doing everything exactly as you described and yet still no progress.

So after some searching and reading, i'd heard a lot about the fact that eating less than your BMR makes you hold on to fat, as an energy reserve. I guess I was trying to ask if others thought that was true? I guess you don't haha

We have however, as i mention in my post, done as you suggest. Started over. Worked out her BMR, added a bit to make it comfortable to give her a calorie-in limit for the day and then making sure that with activity and exercise she's meeting her desired defecit.
Hopefully in a few weeks we'll see some results. She's moved in with me now for the duration of the UK's lockdown, so I can hopefully keep a closer eye on it and work on this side by side with her. Perhaps she was, as you suggest, not recording properly when she was by herself. Although I've done this sort of thing before, she has not. If we're still not getting anything after 3 or 4 weeks, we'll probably ask a doctor for advice.

Thanks for your response, it is greatly appreciated! 🙂

[Gare_Bear]

UPDATE:
Just a quick one, the new method we tried here didn't seem to work. My girlfriend was struggling to understand how to do it properly and it wasn't working out.

HOWEVER, we went back to normal, changed her deficit to 750 instead of 1000. And over the last 2 weeks she's lost 5lbs! (So we suspect perhaps on top of everything else, she wasn't weighing herself accurately). She and I couldn't be happier 🙂

Huge thank you to @emili and @Odyssey13 for your help with this 🙂

[emili]

Yay. So pleased for you guys

[Elenabey]

Hi!

It is best to improve the resting metabolic rate as we burn the most calories on RMR instead of physical activity. Work out can help raising metabolic rate but cutting out calories leads to fat restoration and not even the gf is losing weight but would appear bulkier as well. It is good to let her read: https://mangoclinic.com/5-popular-weight-loss-myths-debunked-in-2020/ that does support most of the thoughts you will be having perhaps for future too.

Cutting carbs lead to keto flu too so be sure to keep in check.

P.S: you are a caring partner. bless.