Helping my teenage daughter

[bethanysmum2002]

This may be a very touchy subject but I am really confused and don't know what to do, please don't hurt me for asking.

I am now 42 - I have been chubby since I was a little kid but my weight gain ballooned from the age of 16.

This year, after being really obese at the start of the year, I have managed to lose almost 53 pounds bringing me down to 174pounds. I still have about 26 pounds to lose.

My question relates to my teenage daughter. She is soooo much like me. The only one of my children to have asthma like me, suffers from terrible hayfever like me, has my body type compared to her sister. 

She does dancing as a hobby - every week she does 1hr of hip hop and 1hr of ballet on a Tuesday, Wednesday she dances for 4 hrs on and off (sometimes waiting for her next class to start), Thursday she just does and hour and Saturday a 30 minute private lesson.

I have always thought this amount of activity is more than enough.

She has just turned 16 - the age I was when my weight jumped. She isn't happy with the way she looks in her dance clothes and when it comes to casual clothes she wants to keep buying the clothes she loves but they aren't fitting anymore. She is starting to call herself fat because she doesn't have the abs the rest of the girls in her dance class have. I have always told her she isn't fat, she just isn't as toned as them because she doesn't do the acrobatics they do and she just needs to do some toning exercises.

But she is always, ALWAYS hungry and IS gaining weight. I just don't know how to talk to her about it because of all the years of me being obese.

Yesterday, I really noticed what she was eating and last night after she went to bed I entered everything into my fitbit app - she ate over 2000 calories on one of her lightest days of activity! And she was asking for more food before she went to bed and I said no.

This morning I tried to talk to her gently about it. I said "I know you were upset about me saying no to you wanting another snack last night but I tracked your food and you ate over 2000 calories yesterday"

She got upset with me and said "But I am always hungry. I can't stop it. I just ate my breakfast (which was cereal with banana and strawberries - quite healthy but about 344 calories) and I feel like I haven't eaten and could eat it again" Then she just shut down and refused to speak to me until I took her to school and all she said was "Bye" and got out.

I now feel like I shouldn't have said anything. I have been reading online since trying to decide if I have done the right thing. I read a psychology post staying "don't say anything lead by example" but I have been this year and being the age she is, she is working part time and is buying food that I don't send to school or when she goes out she buys anything she wants so even me keeping healthy food in the house isn't helping.

I really don't know what to do. Could there be a medical reason she is always hungry. I don't want to see her end up the way I did. I know she is still a child but she is almost an adult too.

PLEASE HELP

[bethanysmum2002]

This may be a very touchy subject but I am really confused and don't know what to do, please don't hurt me for asking.

I am now 42 - I have been chubby since I was a little kid but my weight gain ballooned from the age of 16.

This year, after being really obese at the start of the year, I have managed to lose almost 53 pounds bringing me down to 174pounds. I still have about 26 pounds to lose.

My question relates to my teenage daughter. She is soooo much like me. The only one of my children to have asthma like me, suffers from terrible allergies like me, has my body type compared to her sister. 

She does dancing as a hobby - every week she does 1hr of hip hop and 1hr of ballet on a Tuesday, Wednesday she dances for 4 hrs on and off (sometimes waiting for her next class to start), Thursday she just does and hour and Saturday a 30 minute private lesson.

I have always thought this amount of activity is more than enough.

She has just turned 16 - the age I was when my weight jumped. She isn't happy with the way she looks in her dance clothes and when it comes to casual clothes she wants to keep buying the clothes she loves but they aren't fitting anymore. She is starting to call herself fat because she doesn't have the abs the rest of the girls in her dance class have. I have always told her she isn't fat, she just isn't as toned as them because she doesn't do the acrobatics they do and she just needs to do some toning exercises.

But she is always, ALWAYS hungry and IS gaining weight. I just don't know how to talk to her about it because of all the years of me being obese seems a bit ironic.

Yesterday, I really noticed what she was eating and last night after she went to bed I entered everything into my fitbit app - she ate over 2000 calories on one of her lightest days of activity! And she was asking for more food before she went to bed and I said no.

This morning I tried to talk to her gently about it. I said "I know you were upset about me saying no to you wanting another snack last night but I tracked your food and you ate over 2000 calories yesterday"

She got upset with me and said "But I am always hungry. I can't stop it. I just ate my breakfast (which was cereal with banana and strawberries - quite healthy but about 344 calories) and I feel like I haven't eaten and could eat it again" Then she just shut down and refused to speak to me until I took her to school and all she said was "Bye" and got out.

I now feel like I shouldn't have said anything. I have been reading online since trying to decide if I have done the right thing. I read a psychology post staying "don't say anything lead by example" but I have been this year and being the age she is, she is working part time and is buying food that I don't send to school or when she goes out she buys anything she wants so even me keeping healthy food in the house isn't helping.

I really don't know what to do. Could there be a medical reason she is always hungry. I don't want to see her end up the way I did. I know she is still a child but she is almost an adult too.

PLEASE HELP

[Odyssey13]

Dear @bethanysmum2002 , it's not easy being a mom and wanting the best for our children.

You know that there comes a time when a teen won't listen to us. The girl you're concerned about is the sweet older girl in your Mother's Day picture? She's lovely and so is the younger girl!

What I'd suggest is that you have your daughter write a list of questions that she can ask a doctor and take her in for a routine check up. Give her a chance to ask someone, other than you, those questions - what makes me want to eat, why don't I look like other girls, how can I get abs too, am I active enough and am I fat?  All the questions she has, but is afraid to discuss with you. Have her keep a food diary to show the doctor. It helps to keep track of what is consumed, but let her do it in her own way and don't ask to see it. It's possible that she's going through a growth spurt, which happens, since she's still young. She might be at a time in her monthly cycle feels the need for more food. Seeing the doctor (health care professional, nutritionist, nurse, whoever she feels most comfortable with) would help you both while facing it head on.

From your description, it seems she is active enough, but it's all dance. She could add some different forms of exercise to tone up. It's sad that these young girls see pictures of the slender, toned actresses and singers and feel the need to compare themselves to them. What about the teams of cosmetic surgeons that stay busy creating them or that some women look good due to their genetics. Sure, we'd all look great if we could afford a personal chef, trainer and more! 

Your hardest job as a mom is often standing back and watching your little bird cling to the edge of the nest while the wind is blowing her wings. She wants to fly, but she also needs to know that if she falls, you'll be there to gently guide her.  Love and support her. Let her make some decisions on her own, such as her exercise and diet, while you keep on doing your own fitness routine. She will see your hard work and she just might want to share that journey - in her own time and her own pace. This won't be easy on you because you love her so much. Sometimes our love can hold them back from testing the wind and taking that first flight. 

For now, keep the communication open and be as positive as you can for her. Give it some time. You know a teen can be emotional and it really is a hard time for her. Don't remind her how hard it is for you, even though we know it is.

Do come here and post if you're discouraged or just in need for a friendly shoulder, you know it exists on these forums. You're not alone and it could be other mothers are facing similar situations with their children.

All my prayers and hopes for you in this, @bethanysmum2002

Never give up!

[Nalalee]

Is she getting enough water? Maybe she is confusing hunger pains for dehydration. 

[Esya]

I think the post of @Odyssey13 is spot on with trying to step back and have someone else help her. Your job as a mom is to love her and support her and if you step back it helps to show that she is loved even when she falls. That the love does not depend on her weight. Otherwise this can become a discussion that could damage your relationship while you try to help her.

[bikerhiker]

@bethanysmum2002

If she is on some form of medication, one of the side effects could be weight gain.  

I struggled with weight gain myself when I was younger, but I believe that the true nature of "Fat Loss" is a change in behaviour and experiences.  And that is, why we keep eating for no reason other than to eat is to give us comfort to a set of limiting beliefs that cause us to be fearful, stressful and depressed that we can not do anything about it.

It is interesting that you have managed to loose weight and are making a great effort in doing so.  Observe yourself now and compare, what is different between the new you right now to the you when you were 16 years of age?  I can bet that your outlook on life, your behaviour caused by certain limiting beliefs had changed.  You had transcended those beliefs and made you wiser.  And as such, you are now in a position to loose weight because you no longer have those limiting beliefs to made you want to eat more, thus loosing weight becomes more of an exercise of energy balance.  This was my experience right now.  In the past, I used to exercise very very hard (ran marathons, ultra-marathons and cycle 100km/day and swim 3km) all in the attempt to loose weight.  My best weight is 142lbs and I had to continually do those exercises to keep my weight at bay.  That was 20 years ago.

Today, My current weight is 147lbs reaching to 145lbs.  I didn't need to run marathons, swam 3km and pretty much exercise all week to get there.  My weight drop is about 1lb / week, so by August 21st, I'll be 145lbs.  I didn't have to starve myself either.

Now looking at myself, I know I had changed a lot.  A lot of fears I had when I was 16 years old were limited beliefs that I had transcended through life experiences, so today I don't feel at all hungry because I didn't need extra food to comfort myself and my fears and depression.

I think this is what is going through you.  You have changed for the better and now, you are serving as a role model for your daughter who is going through the same challenges are you did when you were younger.  The best way to serve as a role model is not to dictate what your daughter has to do or what to do.  This will only make her rebel against you.  What you can do is observe her behaviours and ask yourself, why is the trigger events that is causing her to eat more?  When you see those trigger events; then ask yourself "what can I draw from my life experiences so I can counsel my daughter so she could also overcome the same limited beliefs that you had and she may have now".

It is my belief that once you remove those limiting beliefs that cause people to eat more than they need is when weight loss is truly doable.  Otherwise, weight is always a struggle as these limited beliefs cause you to be addicted to food that you can't control eating.

Hope this helps..

[emili]

@bethanysmum2002 my heart broke a little for you when I read your post. It is so hard and there is so much you want to say and do, but its a fine line at that age. When my son was 11 years old he realized that he was the heaviest of all his friends. I had just recently lost weight. he came into the kitchen and said Mom- help. That was easily one of my favorite mom days of all time. Together, we helped him lose 20 pounds and he never looked back. he is 15 now and is kind of scary with his new man voice. If he ever reads this, I am toast. My daughter was born more lucky. She also danced all the time and even eating how she wanted was always thin. Now she is a sophomore in college. She hasn't danced in years and we talk food and fitness all the time. She will text from the grocery store to see if her choices are good. 

your daughter needs to know that you are there for her when she is ready to talk. make the offer and let it go. monitor her food- because it is the healthy responsible parent thing to do. for sure offer her @Odyssey13 advice because it is brilliant. but mostly share your story with her. share your pain. let her know that you get it. but do it once and let it go. when she is ready, if she is ready, she will seek you out.. be vigilant so you don't miss the sign. my best to you and your sweet girl.. E

[bethanysmum2002]

Thank you everyone for you advice.

After reading the reply from @Odyssey13 I took a lot of the advice and after our initial conversation have taken a step back.

I have also done what @emili has mentioned and made a change to some of the food we have in the house. Got rid of like the savoury crackers and replaced with healthier options, even went and bought some new chicken protein snacks that our shop sells in the cold section which are 92 calories a pack. Was hoping these might replace the empty calories she has been eating.

It seems to have worked. I picked her up from school yesterday and on the way to dance class she had one pack of the cheese and crackers, one pack of the protein bites and a banana for a total of 300 calories and she said when she got out of the car "I am so full, maybe I should have saved the banana for later while I am teaching" (she teaches the younger kids at the school 1 class a week)

So maybe I am on the right track now.

[Baltoscott]

@bethanysmum2002 — I am not familiar with the new snacks you bought, but I am always skeptical of front of the package health claims.  They may be better than what they replaced, but maybe you can do better? (I say maybe because I appreciate that trying to encourage someone else to eat healthy food is really hard.  I am very sympathetic to your desire to help your daughter).

One of the reasons we snack on packaged foods is because they are so convenient, and because they are in sight.  Maybe you could ‘hack your environment’ to make healthy Whole Foods easier to find and snack on?  For example, buy fruit, clean and cut it up and keep it in the front of the fridge.  Build some ‘snack packs’ of cut up celery and carrots with a couple of spoonfuls of hummus.  Make some whole grain pancakes with blueberries and almond slices and put them in individual ziplock bags in the fridge for snacks (they would travel well for a take and go snack).  

[bikerhiker]

Just adding to @Baltoscott comment about these snacks..

Healthy snacks are healthy because they tend to cut out the sugar and fat content to low levels so they look "healthy" and can market it as that way.  Except, they don't usually taste good unless you add "more" sodium (salt).  Looking at the ingredients of the snacks, the sodium content is pretty high as expected.  The toasties Primo Roasties Chicken snacks, just a few bites exceeds the daily recommended limit of 1500mg of salt.  Per serving has 756mg of sodium already!  While we need sodium in our body, too much sodium isn't good.  Also, these snacks has saturated fat; the fat that promote fat deposits on internal organs like the heart, kidneys, liver, digestive systems.  This is called visceral fat.  

What does too much salt or sodium does to your body?

Excess sodium increases blood pressure because it holds excess fluid in the body, and that creates an added burden on the heart. Too much sodium will increase your risk of stroke, heart failure, osteoporosis, stomach cancer and kidney disease. And, 1 in 3 Americans will develop high blood pressure in their lifetime. From (AHA - American Heart Association).

The key issue is that, true health foods don't immediately taste as good as packaged processed foods.  Anything packaged will usually have an abnormally high sodium content, but think of these snacks as an intermediary transition to healthier snacks like @Baltoscott mentioned.  They should not become the staple of snacks just because of the fat and sodium content they possess. 

Hope this helps.

[Baltoscott]

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@bethanysmum2002 wrote:

...

I am now 42 - I have been chubby since I was a little kid but my weight gain ballooned from the age of 16.

This year, after being really obese at the start of the year, I have managed to lose almost 53 pounds bringing me down to 174pounds. I still have about 26 pounds to lose.

...

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@bethanysmum2002 -- I was so busy trying to get you to encourage eating whole foods in the household in my previous post that I missed calling you out on your AWESOME accomplishment.  53 pounds lost is amazing!  Whether she mentioned it or not, your daughter most certainly noticed this.  As you move forward toward losing that last 26 lbs, try to start focusing on your maintenance lifestyle -- healthy whole food meals and snacks, regular exercise, movement throughout the day, less screen time, and so on. 

The number 1 thing you can do to influence your daughter's future food and movement choices is to continue to model for her and show her through your actions.  Keep at it.  You are doing an excellent job, Bethany's Mum!

[bikerhiker]

Poster on Sodium from the American Heart Association.

[elderwanda]

I'm a parent too, and I know how much it hurts when it seems like your kid is suffering.   You clearly care very much, and want the best for her.   Anyway, I'm just an internet stranger, but here's what it looks like to me.

She's always hungry because she's a teenager who is being told that 2000 calories is too much.   Her 344 calorie breakfast of cereal and fruit was not enough for her growing brain and body, and contains very little protein. Why not add two or three eggs to see her through lunchtime?   She might not be getting taller, but she's growing in other ways, and needs food.   2000 calories might be too much food for you, but you're a 42 year old woman with, I assume, a lifetime of off/on calorie restriction.  Your daughter is not you.  

She's feeling fat----but she's coming to that conclusion by comparing herself to the girls in her dance class, who are skinny enough that they have visible abs.   Everyone is fat compared to skinny ballet girls with visible abs.  

You told her she's not fat, but you're also counting her calories and suggesting that there's something wrong with her for being hungry after a 344 calorie, low-protein, low-fat breakfast  (I assume she didn't have whole milk on her cereal).   It sounds like she's getting a lot of confusing and conflicting messages.   I hate to say it, but it sounds like the perfect way to get her started on a lifetime of disordered eating and body image problems, which I'm sure is the opposite of what you want.  

I'd suggest encouraging her to eat when she's hungry, and letting that go.  I'm a big fan of strength training, myself, so I also recommend that for anyone, but especially teenage girls.  I started barbell lifting at the age of 49, and wish I had started at 16.   It builds muscle, which looks great and improves the metabolism, but it also teaches you to shift focus to what your body can do, rather than what size skinny jeans can squeeze into.  It also makes it easy to carry the groceries.   

Having said all that, if she really is putting on fat at a concerning rate, then a doctor's visit isn't out of order, to rule out anything that might be of concern.  If she's only recently realizing she can't see her abs, though, it sounds like she's not fat.  

[Joseph1985]

I have the same problem. It is really very painful to see how your kids are the same as you, repeat your mistakes and you can do nothing to help them. Honestly, I think you can't tell your child that he is fat or looks bad. The only way we can do - to educate ourselves to eat correctly, to make sports, and rejoice in the results. To do all together. To be like friends with your child. For example, this month we have ordered 2 abonaments for the gum with my daughter, so we start a new step in our life. We do everything together, go to the park, watch films, discuss our problems, order baby dresses for parties from https://ooyoo.co.uk/ for little sister an others.

[unningboy]

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@Joseph1985 wrote:

I have the same problem. It is really very painful to see how your kids are the same as you, repeat your mistakes and you can do nothing to help them. Honestly, I think you can't tell your child that he is fat or looks bad. The only way we can do - to educate ourselves to eat correctly, to make sports, and rejoice in the results. To do all together. To be like friends with your child. For example, this month we have ordered 2 abonaments for the gum with my daughter, so we start a new step in our life. We do everything together, go to the park, watch films, discuss our problems, order baby dresses for parties from https://ooyoo.co.uk/ for little sister an others.

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Could you tell me some more information about it? Let’s talk in PM