How to deal with diet sabotage from your significant other

[ccalhoun80]

I was curious if anyone else has dealt with a significant other that seemingly accidently sabatoges your diet plan?  And if so how did you deal with it?

My husband knows that right now I am really struggling to get my weight under control.  Due to my busy schedule it is hard for me to find time to work out and eat healthy.  I try to wake up at 5:30 am but I have to go to bed no later than 10 pm if I am going to do that.  Last night my husband kept on trying to talk me into staying up to watch tv.  It was midnight before I got to bed and I didn't get up in time to work out.  I figured once we got home from work I could work out but when he picked me up he took me to a pub.  He was shocked hwne I only ordered water and no drink or snack.  I had to explain about the food issue and he kept saying a single drink or snack wouldn't hurt.  And it is true but I know that it wouldn't just be 1.  After we picked our son up from day care nd went home it was already 6:30.  I couldn't work out then because I was starving, my son was hungry and so was my husband. I managed to cook a fairly healthy dinner and eat by 7:30 but then I was too full to work out.  I convinced my husband to take our son to bed even though it was my night (we take turns every night) and finally got in a 30 minute work out.  

It is so frustrating trying to balance everything and he gets sorta pouty if I say I don't have time o watch tv with him.  He isn't interested in working out or eating healthier right now.  He keeps telling me he is willing to do whatever it takes to help me but at the same time he keps sabatoging me.

Any advice?

[NoUserNames]

Ive been working out on and off since I was maybe fifteen. Heres the skinny of it. The people around you, people who dont share your particular life style will never get it. Its really more up to you to stick to your guns and try to plan around it. The way I work it is like this. I have days in which I cheat but I dont make those days consistent. Meaning that I may cheat on a sunday one week and a friday the next week. I keep it flexible. That way I can move it around when necessary to allow me a bit of freedom and compromise. If my friends want to go out on a wednesday night, wednesday will be my cheat day.If a significant other decides to make nachos on a thursday, thursday becomes my cheat day.Doing this allows you to have more freedom. To compensate for those days I work my butt off on the other days and work especially hard on my cheat days so as to cause as little damage as possible. I also diet it waves. I will go maybe three weeks pretty strict and one week I will be pretty loose. I also dont deny myself anything. I find it easier to abstain if I know I can have what I want when I want. If im dying for a cookie, i will have a cookie. I do this so that it becomes more of a choice rather than a strict life rule.I have lost around 10 pounds in january . It works if you dont make it a choir. At the end of the day it sorta falls on you. Your spouse just wont understand.Ive been there, it really sucks but iève had the thirty extra pounds to show that no amount of explaining really works lol. Best of luck

[OCDOC]

@ccalhoun80

I know exactly what you are talking about. The main problem is that while you are trying to make serious lifestyle changes, you are also 'forcing' your sig other to make changes. You want to change; he may not be so ready to adapt.

The only solution is to build your plan around how your spouse wants to live. It is a challenge, but over time you both can make gradual changes.

eg Spouse wants pub visit: get familiar with their menu and order something 'substantial' and healthy. Make this part of your planned menu (tweaking on the fly). You will have some healthy food; spouse won't get irritated. Same re exercise; plan short but meaningful workouts around the current reality of your lifestyle.

This is all a bit of a pain, but swimming upstream against the expectations of spouse and family is impossible to maintain. Go with the flow, but make the flow work for you.

All the best   Rob K

[awood08]

My husband is 6'3" and around 140 pounds. Eats constantly, we always have chips, snack cakes, and fatty fast foods because he can have whatever he wants and doesn't care to watch what he eats. I of course have a constant stock of bananas, green veggies, and lean meats for me and the kids to eat. (of course the kids get the junk food on occasion.) But for the most part I have figured out how to get around eating unhealthy when we go out. I take the time each night to go to the gym as soon as I get off work and pick up the kids. Then by the time I get home it's 6:30 and I can cook dinner.

Something that may be helpful is trying to meal plan ahead on the weekend so you have some extra time and are scrambling to figure out dinner every night. I would also sit down and talk with him, I did that with my own husband (who in the beginning would come to bed everynight with buttered popcorn, chips, or cookies and milk). He has to know what you need from him, so you will have to tell him. I explained to my husband that I needed him to respect me and leave the snacking to the kitchen or living room while I was in bed and that I needed to dedicate at least an hour 3-4 times a week for workout time. I brought up that in order for me to be a happy wife and mom, I needed to take care of myself. He needed me to paint the picture for him but he finally realized it and now we are set up on a pretty good routine.

[WendyB]

I agree with everyone. But you really need to talk to him and tell him why you are doing this. Try to make him understand.

[chomperbomps]

"I get home it's 6:30 and I can cook dinner."

Can't he take turns in cooking dinner?

[awood08]

He works usually from 6:30 am to sometimes 8pm. If he is home early he cooks 🙂

[Caro_NZ]

Hi, well if you want advice, take it from an oldy who has been married for 30 years, raised 3 kids and never really got to the bottom of this issue until now! The first thing to do is remove the word 'sabotage' from the problem, if you look at his actions using this negative word the only thing this will achieve is resentment, and with resentment you will never have the supportive relationship that you need to keep healthy, raise a family and stay married! So, you have to just try to put yourself in his shoes, understand where he is comimg from before he will understand where you are coming from. Things have changed for him, he probably thinks you are pulling away because you don't want to sit and wtch TV like you always did, he may in fact just like your body how it is and not understand why you need to lose weight. So talk, (don't argue) listen, reassure him that you are the same person he married etc. then at some point he will join the party and listen to you as well, and eventually understand that you need to do this for you, weight loss is a positve thing and will improve your relationship!

[emili]

So I must be the worst wife on the planet and someone should really tell my husband of 20 years- but this would never happen. It never has. just like I am meant to support him- he is meant to support me. no questions, adjustments, compromises. If you don't want to go out, then ask to be dropped at home. If you don't want to watch tv- don't. why should you? are you asking him to join you for the 30 minute workout? are you asking him to stop watching tv and go to bed early? then why does he get to? I promise I am not trying to create an uprising in your household, but if this is important to you, by the virtue of him loving you, it should be important to him. Like Wendy said, sit him down and talk it through. and do it with questions- you will get to the real reason behind it and hopefully it will put you both on the right path.

[tamado]

This is a wonderfully honest post.  When I began my journey a few months ago, my wife was concerned about the message it sent the kids but I think there was more to it.  She did not want to believe I was unhealthy.  She wanted to love me no matter what.  It took time for her to see what I was doing was a journey to a healthier me and is now 100% onboard.  That will take a different amount of time and understanding for different people.  He may himself be feeling inadequate.  It is difficult to see someone close to you doing the right thing when you are not yet ready to make that leap.  I think honesty is important here and that includes boundaries.  

If he is picking you up after work and wants to stop at a pub, he wants to spend time with you.  So, find a pub in your area that has veggie platters for a snack and order a water, a pile of veggies and have a great conversation with him.  Set a time to be together in the evening but also be clear on your bedtime and workout time.  We all need time for ourselves and that time is often when we can workout and or clear our heads.  
I am sure it is scary for him too.  His favorite foods are either not in the house or he feels guilty for eating them.  Give him some grace if he is not ready to be where you are.  

[SunsetRunner]

I had a similar issue with my wife (now ex wife). When she knew I was making attempt to lose weight or live a healthier lifestyle, she would go over board by purchasing junk food. She often complained I "dumped" our two kids on her while I go to the gym during the evening or not spending quality time with her. Which is sit in front of the tv and watching her shows *rolls eyes* When I switched my workouts to morning – she complained that when I woke up that I woke her up.

Keep in mind I do most of the cooking and grocery shopping. There were a several things that improved my situation. First, I never announced that I was dieting or attempting to eat better. I slowly introduced healthier more nutritious foods - but not all at one time. I did this over several months. I brought home junk food but in smaller portions. Instead of half gallon of ice cream I brought home the personal size containers.

I limited my work outs to only 3-4 times a week and I limited my time at the gym (skipping showers and socializing). I took the kids with me to the gym - my gym had a kid care center (I paid extra but it was worth it).

In all, it wasn't easy. It was a continues struggle, it required planning, trickery and perseverance.

I think 'sabotage' is an appropriate term. It may be at an unconscious level, but it’s still an attempt to undo your well intended efforts.