Working out while feeling extremely depressed/Let's chat about Christmas?

[Majka]

I have severe clinical depression, and hate working out and exercising with a passion.  Not that there's anything I feel like doing at home or elsewhere other than exercising though.  The bottom line is I'm depressed everywhere I go due to loneliness.

I've been trying to separate my loneliness from the holiday season in order to feel excited by the holiday season which enables me to be excited about Christmas, but I'm still very freaking depressed and lonely!

While I am on the elliptical or treadmill I keep thinking "I'm so depressed, I want to get off, I want to stop" but I do it because I'm not going to maintain my weight lying on my back with cherries on my **ahem**.  I am disciplined.  My weight is currently 88 lb but my "steady state" is 86 lb so I'm trying to get back there for my own sanity.

And I don't eat out of hunger; I eat the amount of calories I'm supposed to eat a day.  If I'm depressed, tough luck, I'm not going to numb my feelings with food.  That wouldn't work anyways.  But it's annoying.  Like today I had crisps 284 calories, a milk tea 156 calories (it was small), and for dinner I'm reserving 600 calories.  So I only have around 170 left, I guess I'll get a drink or something since I still have to work out for 160 more min today divided into 2 workouts and I'll be bored out of my mind without having a sip of a drink every 5 min *sigh*

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I am sick and tired of being alone.  I'm trying to make peace with it but I don't like it.

Anyways I'm trying to cheer up by focusing on Christmas so if anyone wants to respond with what they're doing for Christmas or what they're giving their friends for Christmas, please do.  I'd love to engage in dialogue about this.  Oh and I'm new to Fitbit by the way.

Maya x

[A_Lurker]

@Majka- have you seen a doctor about your depression?  I'm asking because I was in the same situation last year and it took a lot to go see someone.  My depression was primarily situational and honestly pills didn't help.  Changing my situation has helped somewhat, but I still fight daily to make myself get up and exercise.

Without knowing more about you though I'm concerned with your current weight of 88lbs.  Unless you're shorter than 4'10" this is out of the range of normal weight.  The ~1200 calories you are eating is likely your BMR (basal metabolic rate).  So you're eating the bare minimum (I assumed 20, female, 4'10") and exercising more than 2 hours in a day.  It's possible you are simply over-tired.  You may be trying to do too much on too little food.  Also, consider the type of food that you're eating.  Put lemon in your tea and dump the crisps (once in a while it's okay to treat yourself) and replace them with more real food.

I don't think I'm qualified to give you any more information than what I have, so I'm going to suggest you talk to your physician about your weight and your depression. 

[emili]

@Majka I agree with @A_Lurker. You really need to talk to someone who can make a difference in the way that you feel. I also think maybe some of what you are feeling is related to feeling lethargic because you aren't eating enough. Your mind and body work together as cliche as it sounds, but it true. Your mind won't function properly if your body isn't feeling its best.

As far as Christmas goes, we decided we are skipping the craziness this year. I have two kids and they are on board as well. We normally go way out- but this year, one tiny tree, one present per person and a trip abroad to escape the hoopla. It's our first year doing it, so wish us luck!

[Majka]

Usually I have a good handle on my eating but my romantic loneliness (I've never had a partner or been on a date or held hands or kissed a guy for that matter) rears its ugly head in the guise of emotional overeating....I eat until my stomach hurts, and then I eat some more...

Lately I was triggered because this guy (names changed so he doesn't google himself and find this) John acted like he was in love with me.  He said a few sentences to me.  This may not sound like a big deal, but I've never had male friends and the most interaction I've had with males other than family members (outside of a period of time when I was in a homeless community) was hi (from cashiers or customer service employees) and my asking them "Hey I'm Maya, want to go on a date?" and their saying no.  So I thought the dude was in love with me.

But I found out he's in a relationship with someone for 3 years already, let's call her Elizabeth.  I know I shouldn't look at what Elizabeth and John are doing, but having never had a boyfriend or gone on a date myself, I get curious.  But when I see what they're doing that triggers me to emotionally eat until my stomach hurts.

I saw that Elizabeth and John went to a waffle house.  They are always doing fun dates like hiking, going to restaurants, going to pretty, cute places, etc.  If I had a boyfriend I wouldn't even ask him to spend money on me; just being with him would be enough.  We could just sit in a park and talk.  But self-indulgent Elizabeth and yes man John are on dates all the time.

This other girl I know, Nancy (again - names changed for privacy reasons but I can't really think of many names so I just use names I see on the news) is in a relationship with my former elementary-high school classmate Romney.  Nancy and Mitt have a flat together and they have beautiful decor with a seaside theme, flowers, lights, and Christmas decorations up.  For Thanksgiving they went to Florida and they regularly go to bars or other fun things together whereas I can't even get a man to go on one date with me.  Why are these self indulgent people constantly doing fun things together, do they really have to go on dates and spend time together and decorate their flat so nicely?  Some people struggle to pay their rent and actually work hard at their jobs so they don't have time to constantly have fun.

And they are making me gain weight.  I hate them.  I blame them personally for my weight gain.  Also, these people clearly don't believe in equality of humans.  If they did, they would not be okay with a situation in which I don't (and have never had) a boyfriend and they do.  They would either get me a boyfriend or failing to do so, they could make things more equal by breaking up with their boyfriends.  If I've survived til age 28 without going on a date, what makes them so special and deserving that they must must must be in a relationship while I'm not?  I'm pretty sure they can survive too.

Moderator Edit: Word Choice

[Majka]

Hi!  Thank you so much for your reply.  I'm really sorry to hear that you were depressed last year and still struggle with it :'(  I hope everything gets better ASAP.  I have been in therapy for 9 years.  I have had severe clinical depression for 11 years due to wanting and not having a boyfriend.

Your concern about my health means a lot to me, really.  I am around 20 lb underweight, and I think my BMR is 1400 or something but I'm trying to get back down to 86 and maintain that which is what I generally do.  Other women have (or have had) boyfriends, dates, etc, and I want something that they don't have, even it's a weight that will eventually result in death.  Normal people cannot begin to understand my obsessed desire for an underweight BMI.  I refuse to get there through eating under 1200 calories a day, vomiting, or abusing laxatives because I believe in hard work so that's why I only use exercise to manage my weight.  I'm going to try making a lemon tea later today.  That sounds flavourful hehe 🙂  Thanks again for your concern about my depression and health and I hope you have a wonderful week ❤️

[Majka]

Hi Elena, thank you very much for your response to my post.  When you say someone, do you mean a nutritionist?  I do see a regular doctor but I don't know if they know about nutrition.

Going abroad sounds really fun, where are you guys going?

[AndyDandyPandy]

If you feel that way, you should see a psychiatrist(no offense) before seeking help on how to coop fitness with your now life. No one wants to workout or do anything productive when they are depressed/lonely/etc at such a level. That's a fact. Good luck

[Majka]

Thanks Andy!  I'm not offended at all; I've been in therapy for 9 years and I see a psychiatrist as well.  Usually my discipline helps me work out anyways 🙂  Have a great week!!