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Advice for encouraging the morbidly obese

I have a sensitive situation -- I have a coworker who weighs over 400 pounds and who has developed enough trust in me that I'm able to influence him in various areas, such as improving his job performance, attitude, etc., and more so than anyone else in the office. I'm feeling that if anyone could influence him to take action on his health and weight, it's probably me.

 

Obviously, the subject of his weight and health is personal and broaching it with him in a workplace setting may not be advisable from an HR risk perspective; however, I'm not his supervisor and I'm sure I would handle it delicately enough to not cause offense.

 

My question is, what is the best advice to give someone who is this obese as to the first steps they ought to consider (assuming they are open to hearing it)?  I'm interested in hearing from anyone who has either been this obese themselves, or has known someone like this who has successfully improved their situation.  Thanks for any help!

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22 REPLIES 22

Hasn’t he been curious / intrigued about your weight loss, which certainly can’t have gone unnoticed? Ideally he would take the initiative to reach out to you. How’s lunch organized at your workplace? Would there be a possibility for the two of you to have lunch together, with no one else?  

Dominique | Finland

Ionic, Aria, Flyer, TrendWeight | Windows 7, OS X 10.13.5 | Motorola Moto G6 (Android 9), iPad Air (iOS 12.4.4)

Take a look at the Fitbit help site for further assistance and information.

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I wouldn’t even bring up the subject. I’m sure your coworker is very aware of his size. People don’t like being told what to do unless they ask for help and it can set people off in the wrong way by just bringing it to their attention. It’s better to give people opportunities to join in like if your company did a weight loss challenge as a group for people who want to participate. The company where my husband works is doing a weight loss challenge. The manager started the challenge. I think he just didn’t want to do it by himself but nevertheless, it’s still beneficial for everyone. The buy-in was $50 and whoever loses the most weight wins the pot. Majority of the employees are in the 300s. My husband was not interested in losing weight until he came home and told me about the challenge going on at work. Sometimes the motivation to push someone needs to be indirect.

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@SunsetRunner and @Dominique -- thanks for your responses.  I should clarify -- I'm not asking how to broach the topic, or how to motivate my friend, directly or indirectly.  ( @Dominique - yes, he has noticed and commented positively on my transformation, which is why I think the door is open for me to have an influence)

 

My question is, assuming he comes to me and is open to my advice and suggestions, what should my suggestions be?  If he were 250 pounds, I would just suggest he do what I did, tweak his eating and exercise regimens.  But what advice do you give to somebody who weighs 450 pounds?  Seek professional help from a specialist? 

 

My sense is that somebody who is this overweight is acutely aware of their situation, has struggled with it their entire life, has gotten a lot of well-meaning advice, has tried various interventions and failed, and has given up hope.  So my challenge is to instill some hope and influence him to take effective action. 

 

But, I believe I must be laser-focused and avoid giving ineffective nonsensical advice that won't work, such as, "it depends, everybody's different", or "you need to eat less calories than you burn", or "forget your weight as long as you are adding muscle mass", or "don't lose weight too fast because you will lower your metabolism", or "do these 37 things that require super-human self-discipline and motivation", or "the first thing you need to do is make a commitment to change, and then the next thing to do is ...., uh .... I got nothin'", or "<general platitudes that are not actionable>", or "you really need to lose that weight".

 

So my question is what is the specific single most effective action somebody who weighs 450 pounds can take?  (assuming they have already made a commitment to change)

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@Daves_Not_Herewrote:

I have a sensitive situation -- I have a coworker who weighs over 400 pounds and who has developed enough trust in me that I'm able to influence him in various areas, such as improving his job performance, attitude, etc., and more so than anyone else in the office. I'm feeling that if anyone could influence him to take action on his health and weight, it's probably me.

 

Obviously, the subject of his weight and health is personal and broaching it with him in a workplace setting may not be advisable from an HR risk perspective; however, I'm not his supervisor and I'm sure I would handle it delicately enough to not cause offense.

 

My question is, what is the best advice to give someone who is this obese as to the first steps they ought to consider (assuming they are open to hearing it)?  I'm interested in hearing from anyone who has either been this obese themselves, or has known someone like this who has successfully improved their situation.  Thanks for any help!


 This person, from your post, has shown no interest in weight loss or approached you about it?

 

Danger! Danger! Well-meaning-but-possibly-misplaced-effort alert! I can tell from your reply above, you don't see this yet.

 

Your point is trying to prepare "if" you are approached, or are you planning to blind-side this person? I wouldn't spend that much time thinking about hypothetical situations.  What may happen is you spend all this time and effort preparing a presentation, for someone that hasn't asked for one. That just usually doesn't work.

We aren't saviors, just examples.

Work out...eat... sleep...repeat!
Dave | California

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Oh, okay. I understand now. Thank you for clarifying. For someone that size, just start with walking. He should only do it for as long as he can handle whether that may be 10 minutes, 20 minutes, and so on. Make small changes to his diet at a time. Maybe he eats out a lot. He could start by eating at home and bringing his lunch to work. Reassure him that going on a diet doesn’t mean he needs to starve himself on salads. He can have his steak or whatever but maybe replace those fries with some green vegetables. Then he could gradually reduce his portion size. That would be a good time start learning how to weigh and measure food to see how many calories he actually consumes and make small adjust from there. People tend to fail with diets because they go into it with full force. He needs to take baby steps.

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@WavyDavey

 

I'm in that situation every time I log on to Fitbit. I can say with certainty that a diet loaded with meat kills. Not immediately and not quickly, but it does kill. Some think I'm dogmatic stating I'm saying this without facts. Not true. I give solid references for information. If anyone would read these references, they would find they address both sides. Someone told me I was passively insulting by saying that. Actually, I was curious why everyone here, without exception, wouldn't read anything about whole food plant based eating.

 

It's likely this person has heart problems. One Atkins type meal can possibly kill him. Turning around his way of eating can arrest and in time reverse his heart disease. Everyone would look at a person like that and figure a heart attack was in the future, but the other degenerative diseases are likely there, too. The whole food plant based way of eating can cure most of them and rather quickly. It will also cure his obesity in time. The risk of death goes down dramatically with the shift of eating.

 

If you give this person advice, and he dies following it, you better not have any money. However, if you just refer him to sources of information, then you are probably safe. 

 

I understand this post may upset some people. There is your answer. 

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@GershonSurge,  If you re-read my post, I'm clearly advocating caution as you are--who said anything about Atkins?

 

I hope you see the ridiculousness of trying to diagnose someone with heart disease when we know nothing about them or their diet, or their medical conditions. We can't question them, because they're not here posting, so it's all 100% theoretical speculation.  Nothing wrong with that, just think it needs to be stated to balance all the pot-shots we're taking at this person's weight issue armed only with generalizations. (Generalizations like "meat kills").

 

I just think trying to do a "weight intervention" is a really bad idea. The person in question knows Dave, so if they are interested in weight loss, it's reasonable they might bridge the subject with him. To suggest that person hasn't figured that out, and just needs to have it pointed out, is demeaning in my view. If it backfires, it could make for a very uncomfortable working relationship after that. All that said, I do appreciate the spirit on the effort.

 

What I would do in this situation is some light feeling out of the person. If I mentioned my weight loss, I would be checking their reactions very closely. If they seemed engaged, then proceed. But if they seem hesitant or resistant at all, I would back right off.

Work out...eat... sleep...repeat!
Dave | California

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Maybe as a first step (without mentioning his need to lose weight), you could try suggesting he join you on a short walk each day during or after lunch. Make it a request to keep you company while you walk vs. it is for his benefit. During the walk, you can discuss what you have found useful for YOU. Perhaps suggestions of what he can do to lose weight will then come up organically. Even if the subject fails to come up during the walk, you have still gotten him up and out. If he declines entirely, then I would assume your assistance or input is probably not welcome.

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I admit that never had to encourage anybody to do that. However, I had situations that people seeing my progress came to me asking for help. I believe such case is easier as all the cards are on the table. One thing is that people don't like to be told what they should be doing and speaking of someone weight it's a very sensitive topic. Like some people mentioned, you may try to invite the person to join certain activities ( from a simple walk, maybe to the gym at some point, swimming etc. ). Nevertheless, what counts most is a diet and I noticed that sometimes people "copy" me when we go out. Eating out is hard, but seeing somebody, who tries to make the best and healthiest choice may encourage to do the same. Try to show, not tell. Invite your coworker for dinner, don't tell him what he should eat. He will for sure observe your choices ( like choosing a lighter salad, without dressing rather than a bunch of chips etc. ). I experienced that with quite a few people and this could be very first step - not to tell him how to live, but to show how you live 🙂

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@SunsetRunnerI agree with this so much. Lead by example.

Karolien | The Netherlands

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When I was at my heaviest any mention of my weight and managing it would send me off into hiding with a block of chocolate, a pack of crisps and maybe a couple of slices of cheesecake. Nobody in that situation likes people mentioning it. When anyone decides to loose weight it has to be their decision. They have to take responsibility. 

you may mean well but he's likely to just think ur poking fun at him. Inviting him out on walks is a good idea. 

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@Daves_Not_Here  The single most important thing someone 400+ can do to improve their lives, their weight, their mental wellness (because this is a mental health issue), is MOVE. Now, the reason I say this is...at that weight, the person is going to burn a TREMENDOUS amount of calories simply by moving more than they normally do. I started out at 380 lbs. with about 1200 steps per day total. When I bumped up my daily goal to 4000 steps, I was burning almost 4000 calories at my weight. After a few weeks I went up to 6000 step goal because 4000 became easy to reach. And it went on from there.

My sister was 430lb + and was resistant to asking me about my weight loss, insisted that if she didn't eat, she'd drink to 'cope' with life. Every and any excuse. Like I said, it's a mental health issue in many cases. She was recently diagnosed with diabetes and BAM she changed her eating habits, started moving and has gradually increased her movements. Both of us, with the simple change of walking/moving, have lost a lot of weight. 

The belief that it's too difficult weighs more on an obese person's mind than the problem of the weight itself. It's too hard, you hate to sweat, you don't want anyone seeing you, you don't want to fail, you can't do it alone but you don't want anyone to know about it. And, the only true motivating factor is CRISIS. For the morbidly obese, we need to hit rock bottom before we are ready to make the changes. 

Nothing anyone says or does will affect our readiness to do this for ourselves. So, if your colleague hits rock bottom and comes to you as a resource that he trusts, that's great. But if it's brought up when he's not ready..he'll shut down and you'll lose his trust. My sister put up a very thick wall when I was losing weight and she wasn't ready. She would even tell me I wasn't doing things right, that I wasn't being healthy, etc. 

Anyway, back to the most effective change a person can make...MOVE. The food won't matter at first. Keep in mind that anyone 350lb + is at risk of injury to any joints, feet, muscles, tendons, etc so it has to be gentle movement. Those first few pounds lost will be all the motivation needed to keep going and will encourage the bump up in his own daily goals. The food will follow. Movement will get the mood improved, physically feeling better, and a sense of pride. At first, little steps will produce big rewards. 

It's hard to say, but I hope he does get to his crisis so that he can make the changes he needs. 

Atlantic coast of Canada, 52 F, Fitbit Inspire HR.
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I very much appreciate all the helpful suggestions.  I MADE A MISTAKE:  The TITLE of my post asks a different question (how to motivate someone) than from what I was trying to ask in the BODY of my post (what specifically that someone should do).    It is my mistake for miscommunicating, and thanks to all who navigated through my obsfucation!  (I find that by being obtuse, I keep people on their toes!  Management Through Obscurity)

 

What I'm hearing loud and clear is the first step is to get moving, and walking is the easiest and safest way to do it.  Thanks in particular to @_Lilac_ -for your candor and for giving me the perspective I was hoping for: someone who has been there and has succeeded in improving.  You laid out the roadmap: improve movement, then improve eating, all the while improving mood and motivation.  Also, hearing about your sister's parallel situation really helps as well.

 

One thing I've noticed -- I've not heard anyone assert that bariatric surgery is the only way, which is encouraging.

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@Daves_Not_Here  The easiest and best exercise, in my little old opinion, for someone of that size is getting in the pool for water aerobics or just water jogging, jumping jacks, jumps, etc. It is easy on the joints and won't cause pain or strain in the muscles. This is NOT easy for a really large person though because of the nature of this activity. Public pools, changing rooms, other people in the class...if a morbidly obese person can shut that all out and tell themselves they are there to make positive changes...that is a big step. Walking around the pool in your bathing suit is intimidating. Water is the BEST for exercising though when you are that big. Walking can and will hurt if not really careful. Another option might be a recumbent bike. Big people have big bellies and they can't get on a standard stationary bike easily, and then there's the whole gym-in-front-of-other-people thing. 

I kind of went off topic but  to sum up...Water, walking, recumbent bike....that's where a morbidly obese person could start. 

Atlantic coast of Canada, 52 F, Fitbit Inspire HR.
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speaking as a morbidly obese person the last thing I wanted to hear is some body telling me about my problem.   IMO the person has got to want to change, if they ask for help then help them the best you can.  or suggest different eating styles that might help them but let them ask first.  I myself found Keto while watching Utube videos, and that changed my life to date.  years of yo yo dieting and trying every diet put me in a frustrated funk for more than a decade and I didn't even try.  finally got tired of being tired and not being able to live, being held back by my weight issue.  right now I have lost 117 lbs in less than six months and feel confident that I will shed more than another hundred in due time.  I feel better today than I have in decades.  this kind of change comes from with in.  you got to dedicate your self to making it happen, no one can make that choice for you!  

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@Daves_Not_Here

 

I started at 420, so I know what it's like to be very obese. I did everything in stages.

 

Stage 1 | Jan 2017 - March 2017:

All I did was stop drinking my calories, and I quit Fast Food. I didn't stop process foods, just fast food places. So, I still ate unhealthy foods in this stage. Stopping my calories thru fluids and not hitting the fast food places REALLY made a difference for me. I lost close to 60 pounds in this stage. This stage really motivated me to lose more because I didn't do much except these two things.

 

Stage 2 | April 2017 - July 2017:

Joined a gym. Did a three day a week full body weight lifting program with ONLY compound movements with moderate intensity. Walked 3-4 days a week around my neighborhood. No change in my food or anything else. I just added the exercising/gym.

 

Stage 3 | August 2017 - Present:

Created a more intense workout routine. Started tracking my calories. Began looking at eating real foods with some supplement foods (like protein bars, protein shakes, etc.). At this point, very little process foods. Some, but very little.

 

Stage 4 | December 2017 - Present:

Got a fitbit to track my workouts. Readjusted my workout routine. Continued to track calories and experimented with my diet a little.

 

----------

 

I really kept it simple. The first stage really got me to the point that enough weight came off to join a gym and feel comfortable with getting into exercise.

 

Oh, and having a weight loss doctor (she's a bariatric surgeon and specializes in weight loss) who is NOT a friend or relative, helped me because she was totally objective and detected any *bull* and set me strait. having an objective, knowledgeable professional who I can chat with (with NO outside influences). Plus, everything that was discussed stayed between her and I, and that was helpful. Her guidance alone and my ability to get it done is why I am where I am today.

 

I hope this helps.

 

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@SunsetRunner - hugely helpful -- your response shows that bariatric surgery is not necessarily required.

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@Daves_Not_Herewrote:

@SunsetRunner - hugely helpful -- your response shows that bariatric surgery is not necessarily required.


I know of 4 people who have had the surgery. All but one of them gain all their weight back, and now have to do it the *old fashion way*. What does that say?

 

To me, it says that the surgery is a tool, nothing more. A tool that can work for you, or not. Plus, the surgery is not an easy path. I almost did it. The monetary price was high though, so I couldn't do it.

 

Let me also add that when people who I haven't seen meet up with me and see that I have lost a lot of weight, one of the first responses is (not all the time, but mostly) "Did you have surgery?". It seems that it is fast becoming the *default* way to lose weight if you have a lot of weight to lose. 

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@SunsetRunner - topic for a different thread:  my understanding is that one of the side effects of the surgery is that some people who were diabetic prior to the surgery lose their diabetes and remain diabetes-free even after they regain their weight post-surgery.  Weird. 

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